Buying My First Home: A Rhyming Tribute to the Strife Thus Far

I worked really hard and my salary grew

I thought to myself, "I should buy something new!"

I like shooting skeet and I wanted a gun

But I learned they quit making my favorite one.

I said to myself, "Hey, I'm 30 years old,

And my job is secure, from the things I've been told.

I'm planning to stay here; I don't want to roam.

It might be a good time to buy my first home!"

I searched for three days and I found one online.

When I saw it, I knew that it had to be mine.

Sprinklers and hardwood, a fireplace too,

A fenced-in backyard with green grass and a view.

Stainless appliances, natural light

A beautiful back splash - it all felt so right!

Music room, storage, alarm on the door,

Playroom and game closet, accents galore!

It fit in my budget and met all my needs

I figured that now was the time to proceed.

When sellers aren't selling, the list prices dive

And it's crazy that rates are, like, three point two five!

I ran to the bank and said, "Give me a loan!"

"I want to purchase a home of my own!"

The lender said, "What do you make? Any debt?

You'll get pre-approved, I'd be willing to bet.

Financing's tricky, but I'll help you through.

We'll figure out which kind will be best for you.

Five percent down for conventional loans

And the money for that, well, it must be your own.

Three-and-a-half if you go FHA

With that, there are options; pay one of two ways:

A gift from your family or pay it yourself

Whichever you choose will require some wealth."

I called up my family, but too soon I found

That none of them had 4 Gs lying around.

Disheartened, I thought that my new dream was dead

But a brilliant idea popped into my head.

If somebody else wrote a check to my dad

He could gift it to me and I'd quit being sad.

I'd pay back the money as quick as I could

And I'd get my house and my life would be good.

I humbled myself and I asked for the loan,

Wishing I had some more saved on my own.

Since Miah is moving here soon, his dad said

That he'd just "gift" him the four thousand instead.

We were happy with this and excited to move

But the lender just said, "Well, you won't get approved.

You have the down payment to do FHA

But your mortgage insurance is too much to pay."

He said, "You could get a conventional loan,

But you have to come up with the cash on your own.

Since neither of these seems to work, guess you're stuck."

I said, "I will find a way." He said, "Good luck."

Matt's friends Josh and Lisa's home lender was great.

She got them a loan with a really good rate.

I went to her office but she wasn't there.

(This process is stressful and making me swear!)

When she phoned me back, it was love at first call.

She told me that I shouldn't worry at all.

"A USDA loan is what we will do.

You get a low interest rate; zero down, too!"

I emailed the realtor, filled with good cheer

She replied, "USDA is broke for the year."

Bummed and dejected and sad once again

I'd just have to wait for the weekend to end.

Monday came slowly and bad turned to worse

Post Falls isn't "rural" from October first.

Since it *was* the first and the USDA loan

Only works in a place where "rural" is home,

My dreams had been crushed once again 'til the call:

Deb said that there's plenty of money for all

And that rural deadline was moved to the Spring

So I shouldn't worry about anything.

But come Monday night, a *new* pain in my neck:

I can't get approved all because of my check!

My company gave me a check with my raise

A little too early - a whole thirty days!

It was too late to fix it this month, so they said

They would pay me my old rate the next month instead.

I guess to the lenders, this looks kind of odd

They throw around bad terms like "fishy" and "fraud."

I went to my manager, begged on my knees,

"Wait 'til November to 'fix' this mess, please?!

Give me my big check in October, too

So my home loan will *finally* be pre-approved!"

My manager smiled and said, "Ain't no thang."

(Well, sort of like that, but without all the slang.)

My lender was happy with all that I did

So she told my realtor, "Put in that bid!"

I met up with Pam to initial and sign

(I can't wait for this house to finally be mine!)

The offer is ten thousand under list price

If they'd just accept it, that sure would be nice.

They'll probably counter or tell me, "Heck no!"

'Cause I'm not sure how low they're willing to go.

We also want closing costs paid, plus some more

To put in new carpet - no more "dog smell" floor!

They have to decide by tomorrow at five.

Until then, I just don't know how I'll survive!

I'll try to stay busy and fill up my time

(Which is mostly the reason you got this sweet rhyme).

The stress and the drama, the ups and the downs

The butteflies, sleepless nights, smiles, and frowns

The pit in my stomach, the effort, the time

Will surely be worth it when that place is mine...

...right?  Because I seriously don't know how many more times I can survive the good news/bad news cycle...